It’s been a while since I’ve posted – over
a month to be precise – and I wanted to try and explain why. I’ve got other
posts I want to get up; my third week at Stanmore and a review of a photo
printing service, but I didn’t feel able to just jump straight back in without
talking to you about why I’ve been so quiet. I’ve been trying to think about
how to write this post for a few weeks, and every time I’ve thought about it
I’ve just put it off and hidden myself away more. I guess sometimes it just
feels easier to push everyone away, stop talking and hibernate because then you
don’t have to face the real world and deal with things.
If you’re a regular reader then you will
probably be aware that I struggle with both physical and mental health
problems. I try to be open about them, but at the same time try not to let them
take over everything. But sometimes it’s incredibly hard to stop them. For the
last month or so, my mental health has basically got to crisis point. I don’t
want this post to turn into a ‘woe is me’ monologue or a giant moan, but I do
want to be honest. I want people to understand what having a long-term mental
illness is like and I want other people out there who are going through
something similar to not feel alone.
I’ve felt my mental health dipping for the
last few months if I’m really honest with myself, but it’s only the last month
or so that it’s really crashed. My mood has been incredibly low – I keep
crying, I’ve shut myself off from friends and family, negative thoughts have
been racing round my head and I’ve been suicidal. It’s scary, it really is. No
matter how long you deal with these symptoms, it doesn’t get any easier. Yes,
I’ve learnt things along my journey, but when those suicidal thoughts start
kicking in, I feel powerless against them. Going through scenarios in my head
of how I will end my life is distressing. It’s terrifying because it feels so
real and I feel so close to actually doing something. All I want is for the
pain to stop – to stop feeling like I’m drowning, sinking through quicksand. I
want to be able to breathe freely and to go to bed without crying myself to
sleep. I’ve gone from seeing life in colour, to having that vibrancy drained so
that everything looks gloomy and grey. It’s a struggle to get out of bed in the
morning and to find the motivation to do anything productive. My anxiety is
through the roof. Just leaving the house fills me with dread in case I see
someone and have to talk to them. But I keep pushing myself because if I stop,
I don’t think I’ll ever start again. Even when I try to sleep, nightmares
plague me. I self-harm to try and cope with things – it helps for a bit, and
then it all just starts again.
It’s really hard to describe what it’s like
to be mentally unwell because sometimes there just aren’t the words to explain
how rubbish things can be. I first accessed help for my mental health at the
age of 15, but looking back I can see I was struggling for years before that.
I’ve been through a whole list of diagnoses – clinical depression, anxiety,
anorexia, bulimia, borderline personality disorder and cyclothymia. At the
moment they’ve decided to call it a mixed personality disorder, because
apparently I don’t fit into a typical box. Along the way, I’ve tried different
treatments and interventions – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Inpatient
treatment, medication, psychology, counselling, STEPPS group and probably more
that I can’t remember. And although outwardly things might seem better, inside
it’s just as much of a struggle as it has always been.
Unfortunately, because I’ve had all of this
help in the past, it is now becoming increasingly difficult to get help. The
system just doesn’t seem to be set up to support people with complex, long-term
mental health conditions. When things went downhill I reached out for help – I
told my GP I didn’t feel safe, but she didn’t know what to do to help. I was
already in the process of being assessed for psychotherapy, so told the
psychotherapist I was suicidal and she referred me to the rapid response mental
health team. But they didn’t even assess me, and instead discharged me saying
they couldn’t provide any more help than they had already. I went to a place
called The Safe Haven, which is an alternative to A&E for people in a
mental health crisis. They’ve probably been the most helpful in all of this, in
that they give me a safe space to go where I can sit and colour or at least
talk to a psychiatric nurse. But they can’t provide long-term treatment.
My psychotherapy assessment has now been
completed, and they have said they can offer me group therapy, but they don’t
know how long the wait will be. I don’t want to be ungrateful because I know
how hard it is to get any kind of treatment, but there are things I need to
work through that I can’t possibly talk about in a group. I told the
psychotherapist this, but felt like my views weren’t listened to, which left me
feeling frustrated and alone. I had an appointment with the psychologist at
Stanmore recently, and he was disappointed that they hadn’t been able to offer
some individual support, as he believes it’s what I really need to move
forwards. But he admitted that because of mental health funding issues, it’s
unlikely the NHS will be able to offer the treatment I need. So he’s suggested that
I see a private therapist.
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a
hard place – if I don’t get the help I need then I’m really not sure how much
longer I can continue, but I’m not sure where I’m going to find the money to
pay for it. Being unwell for so long has worn me down and it’s difficult to
picture things ever getting better. I’m constantly overwhelmed by thoughts like
‘What if I never feel any better?’ or ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I’ve tried so
many different things over the years, and it’s really disheartening when
nothing seems to work. It’s very easy to feel worthless and undeserving of
getting better when you’re continually turned away from help and support, even
when I try and remind myself that a lot of it comes down to funding and
availability. But my brain just won’t listen to reasoning sometimes, and instead
just tells me that if the NHS won’t help me through this crisis then I don’t
deserve support. It is really hard when you’re told to ask for help if you’re
feeling so low you want to end your life, but when you do reach out you’re told
no one will help you. I can’t stop myself feeling like you only get taken
seriously when it’s too late.
Recently I have just felt very alone and
not known where else to turn. And that’s one of the reasons I wanted to share
all this, because I know there are other people out there going through similar
experiences. Feeling like no one cares, listens, understands or even notices
that you’re falling apart inside. I want those people to know that they’re not
alone in feeling like this. Although I can’t fix the things that are making you
struggle, I can understand and walk through the journey with you. There’s a lot
of power in peer support – unlike a psychiatrist or a doctor, we know exactly
what it’s like to want to die and to struggle to see through the fog. And that empathy
allows us to give each other a kind of love and support that professionals
simply cannot provide.
This crisis has got me thinking a lot about
my life and myself. I’ve started colouring when I feel really bad – it
definitely doesn’t take away the struggles I’m having, but it does distract and
calm me, especially if I go to the Safe Haven to do it. I’m trying to take
things a day at a time, and even little things like getting dressed or brushing
my teeth I’m trying to see as an achievement. I’ve also been thinking a lot
about my blog and YouTube channel. I think I needed the time away, but I do
miss them and really want to push myself to get back to them. But I want to
make a few changes. I want to shake up my Sunday posts a bit and would also
like to focus a lot more on mental and physical health issues, tips, advice and
information. I’m not going to stop posting about beauty, fashion and various
other lifestyle things (like tea!) but I do want to bring in more of the health
stuff too, because it’s such a big part of my life and I’d like to try and help
others. I want to raise awareness and I want to improve services – the only way
that will happen is by us talking.
I’m sorry this has been quite a long, all
over the place post! I hope it’s made some sense, explained where I’m at right
now and perhaps helped you if you struggle with mental health problems as well.
I’d like to finish by signposting you to The Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org) who have been a
real lifesaver to me recently. You can phone or email them any time, day or
night, and they will listen without judgement to anything you have to say.
How have you been recently? Do you struggle with
mental health problems and relate to what I’ve written?
