The last week hasn’t been too great
unfortunately. My mental health seems to be rapidly deteriorating, which feels
pretty scary, especially when I have to fight incredibly hard to get any sort
of professional help and support. The worse my mental health gets, the harder
it is to find the motivation inside of me to keep fighting. It’s also making my
physical health problems more difficult to deal with, and sends my fatigue
levels through the roof. I’ve tried to find things to distract myself with, but
am finding it quite hard to concentrate on activities (which is why I’m sitting
here on Sunday afternoon, still trying to write this post!) I get frustrated
with myself, because I have so many ideas and plans for my blog and YouTube
channel, but just can’t seem to make them happen, either because of my physical
or mental health. I end up comparing myself to other bloggers/YouTubers a lot,
and feel pretty inadequate a lot of the time. I do know I try my best with what
I’m doing, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like enough.
Last Sunday I had quite a slow morning, as I
wasn’t feeling great. After sorting out my medications for the week ahead, I
spent the rest of the morning watching episodes of The Simpsons and doing some
blogging. I then spent the afternoon resting on the sofa, watching YouTube
videos (I’ve recently discovered The Michalaks and am loving them!) and
replying to some Facebook messages. In the evening we went to a local Italian
restaurant and met lots of our extended family for a meal to celebrate my Dad’s
birthday. It was a long evening and I was shattered by the time we got home,
but it was lovely to spend some time together. My Dad opened a few more
presents and then I called it a night.
The peonies I bought earlier in the week had
really opened up. Don’t they look beautiful! It’s such a shame they are only
around for a short period of time.
I found it very difficult to find a happy photo
for Monday if I’m completely honest. In the morning I went to have my hair cut,
which was nice but completely wiped me out. So, when I got home I rested on the
sofa and watched some TV. My GP rang around lunchtime and our conversation left
me feeling pretty gutted. I won’t go into it all here, but I don’t think I’ve
ever felt so isolated and alone with the things going on inside my head. I
spent most of the afternoon breaking down in tears. Every time I managed to
calm down, more bad thoughts came and I broke down again. The only thing that
brought some comfort was Freddie cuddling me.
Tuesday morning I woke up feeling rather
rubbish after a pretty awful night, which wasn’t unexpected after my bad day. I
went for a massage in the morning, which was much needed but I wish it had
lasted longer! I’ve got so many knots and tender areas at the moment though
that I don’t think a day would be long enough to sort me out! I came home and
rested for a bit, and then my Mum took me over to Aldershot to see my urology
nurse. She was pleased that the self-catheterising is going well and invited me
to an open day in September, where I can meet with different companies and try
some different products. I had hoped to be a bit more productive when I came
home, but just felt physically and mentally crap, so ended up resting. My
sister gave me these carnations on Monday, as she saw how sad I was and wanted
to cheer me up, which was sweet. They look very pretty on our kitchen
windowsill.
On Wednesday morning I had to be up really
early for a hospital appointment. My Dad took me over to the Pain Clinic for a
follow-up group from the pain management course. The timings were all messed
up, which made things quite stressful. And I found it very hard to be open
about how much I’m struggling. I don’t know, I hoped there might be an offer of
more help or support, but that was it. I left feeling more alone than when I
arrived. I fell asleep for a while when I got home. In the afternoon I managed
to distract myself by writing a few letters to my penpals on this cute writing
paper. I’ve been finding it incredibly hard to find things to eat for dinner
recently (breakfast and lunch aren’t too bad, as I have homemade muesli and a
Fortisip). I don’t have much appetite, everything I eat makes me unwell and I
just don’t have the energy or motivation to cook anything. Trying to cope with
an eating disorder and serious digestive illnesses is just getting harder and
harder.
Thursday was a bit of a mixed day and my head
felt all over the place. I woke up not feeling great and kept bursting into
tears. I ended up posting something on Twitter and tagging my local mental
health team. It wasn’t my best idea, but I’m at the end of my tether, so
thought I had nothing to lose by being honest. I managed to do a bit of video
editing during the morning, then spent some of the afternoon resting. My Mum
took me down to the chemist so I could speak to the pharmacist, as I had an eye
infection. When I got home my Dad told me the mental health team had rung after
seeing my Tweet, so I had to ring them back. The lady was very nice and
listened to me cry and tell her what’s going on/how low I’m feeling. She said
she would speak to my old psychiatrist and get back to me. I’m not getting my
hopes up though, as I can’t see them changing their mind about helping me,
especially after they’ve already been rung by several other medical
professionals and said no. In the evening my Dad and I went to the cinema to
see the Absolutely Fabulous movie, as I’d won tickets to the preview. It was
very funny and a good distraction. We then went to Jamie’s Italian for a bit of
dinner.
When we were at Jamie’s Italian, I popped to
the loo and noticed the tap looked like a smiley face. With how I’m feeling at
the moment, it made me smile a bit, so I thought I’d take a picture. I thought
I might start a new little project where, if I see something that looks like a
smiley face, I’ll take a photo and upload it on my social media using the
hashtag #jenssmileproject – A bit random I know, but it’s another way to look
for things that make me smile, and hopefully they might make others smile too.
I got up pretty late on Friday morning, as I
felt quite tired after Thursday. I managed to finish editing the video I’m
making of Emma’s Hen Party, so I’m excited for her to see it. In the afternoon
I caught up on some YouTube videos and replied to some e-mails. I still have
loads of blog e-mails to read and reply to though, but with my mental health as
it is I’m really struggling to get anything done. This parcel actually arrived
on Thursday, but I opened it on Friday afternoon. It’s a signed copy of Tanya Burr’s new baking book, Tanya Bakes, which I’m excited to look through and make
some yummy treats. The mental health lady rang me in the evening, just to let
me know she hadn’t forgotten me but hadn’t been able to speak to everyone she
needed to yet.
Yesterday morning was fairly quiet and slow
until my friend, Becky, came to pick me up. We went into Camberley and decided
to have some lunch first, so went to Pizza Express who actually do quite a good
range of gluten free options. Unfortunately I still ended up with bad digestive
symptoms, but that pretty much happens whatever I eat these days, so not
unexpected. After we’d eaten, we went next door to the cinema and watched The
Secret Life of Pets. We were originally hoping to watch Me Before You, but the
times were rubbish. However, the film we did see was pretty good and gave me a
distraction from the things in my head for an hour or so. I came home, rested
on the sofa and watched a few YouTube videos before falling asleep for a while.
I popped out into our garden when I got home
from the cinema, and took some pictures of some of the beautiful flowers we
have at the moment. There’s nothing better than expanses of pretty colours and
gorgeous scents when you want to relax.
If you haven’t read my blog before, I just
wanted to let you know that I have a second blog, which mainly focuses on my
health in more depth than I talk about it here. It’s largely for friends and
family to follow and keep up with what’s going on, but if it’s something you
would be interested in reading as well, you are more than welcome to follow me
over there. It’s called ‘Zebra Crossing’ and you can find it by clicking here. I’m trying to keep it updated fairly regularly, so hopefully
there will be something there for you to read!
I’m also trying to post on Snapchat a bit more,
so if you fancy following me, my username is Jennycole44.
What have you been up to this week? I always
enjoy hearing about your news and adventures!
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